the not-so-girliness of me

You know those not-so-scientific polls/quizes/surveys that float ALL OVER the interweb? I've taken many of those--especially the ones that tell you if you have a male or female brain/personality/lifestyle, etc. I'm fascinated by them--mainly because no matter how many I take, I'm always at least 80% male up to 98% male at my highest (most masculine?).
Why am I so fascinated by these little tests, you may wonder? Because throughout my childhood, I was the girliest little girl you would ever meet. I LOVED pink and dresses and tea parties, and playing dress up and house, Barbies were piled in my room by the dozen along with their cars and houses; I LOATHED being dirty in any way (even sitting in our sandbox was too dirty for little Miss Me). The only un-girly things I participated in were playing NES and my love for all things Batman (which has only grown over the years). That's it. And I am not exaggerating. I even would go horseback riding on my grandfather's farm, but only with the stipulations that my horse, Lady (who did not live up to her name in the tiniest bit), was clean and saddled, and we did not go riding where either my horse nor myself would get dirty. I was such a little girly girl,that when I did manage to get myself into trouble, discipline of any nature wasn't even needed, just a mean look from a loved one would turn me into a sobbing apologetic mess.
So why the change? Actually, I remember the cause of my change from nice quiet little nerd to somewhat overbearing smart-ass...but I'm not sure if the girlyness went away at the same time--I'd say that the two are related, but they are not the same...it just baffles me is all.
I wonder how many people have such a drastic change within 15 years of living?
Now, just because I think/talk/act "like a man" (and yes, the feminist in me is shuddering at the very thought of that statement) I still have some amazing girly moments. Like with crickets, spiders don't bother me, anything that can sting me, doesn't really bother me--CRICKETS, people, crickets freak me out--they do that bizarre freakishly high jumping thing that is so unpredictable--and roaches, the very thought of a single roach will send me shivering and squeemish for HOURS. No joke.
And my current outfit is fairly girly--my summer uniform, a skirt and tshirt with flip-flops, always gets comments from my friends until they get used to the idea of me looking so much like a girl (it should be noted that I only have one female-friend that is not my sister).
In fact my very "man-ness," the lack of my girliness, is why I cannot keep female-friends. I am not a very understanding/sympathetic person. I don't know how to baby someone, I cannot console the sad, I cannot coddle the upset, I can't even care for the sick--this isn't me saying I won't do that, I've actually tried these things, but they end up awkward and I usually end up, at best, confusing, but usually offending the one I'm trying to help. I don't want it to change, people used to walk all over me, which is to say that I allowed people to walk all over me, but one fateful day when I was 13 years old, all that changed and I decided that my own happiness was WAY more important than anyone else's.
But the lack of these nuturing traits are why I cannot keep a female-frienship for more than a couple of years. At some point I get so tired of all the whining/complaining/lieing/fretting/worring/neediness of all these girls. I get fed up with trying to always boost self-esteem; consoling a fretting female is just too much work for me. I lose my patience (of which there is already not enough) and tell them what I really think (which typically is, "get over yourself") which ends up drastically offending them and sends them walking away awaiting my call back with an apology.
Of course I don't call back. If I did, that just meant I actually was sorry for speaking my mind--and that I would have to continue listening to their self-deprication for another year or so.


Mayhap it's not the fact that these people have a vagina--perhaps it's just a problem of low-self-esteem. But if anybody out there can show me a girl that is not suffering from some kind of insecurity, then perhaps I can show him/her my female-soulmate.