pregnant turtle-man

Normally when I dream, it's completely normal everyday stuff; the majority of the time I cannot even remember SO coming to bed, much less remember what my subconscious was doing while I was passed out. But last night I had a totally fucked up dream. Just so completely fucked up that I have to write it down so I'll be able to remember the bizarreness of it.


At no point was it scary for me, as strange as it's going to get, the feeling of the dream was never close to nightmarish, just "this is really really bizarre." Also of interest, I was never a participant of the dream; it was like a movie being played out in front of me and I just followed whatever character interested me the most.


It started as just a normal city scene, then there was an ambulance and sirens and someone was giving birth (this was probably the scariest part for me) and the view was dead-on full perspective, if you catch my drift. And after the birth was finished, the birth-er looked over the belly and it was A MAN. And a man that looked and sounded a whole lot like Dustin Hoffman. And he looked so pleased with himself and he asked where the child was and the nurses/doctors brought the child to him and pseudo-Dustin named the little boy Jamie.


Then it skips in the ways that dreams are wont to do, to several months down the line and also in that strange dream-timescape, Jamie is now around four or five years old and pseudo-Dustin is walking along and talking with a friend and the child is tagging along. The conversation is about the little boy and how people make fun of him because of how small he is for his age, and also because he is so small, he is in much greater danger due to the nuclear war that the world is currently involved (apparently). At this point pseudo-Dustin still looking relatively normal.

Then he says, "Oh, there's no need to worry about that; see, I've had the doctors continue to scrape my womb for safety. See?" And with that said, he reaches down and grabs each side of his not-so-much-a-vagina-as-it-is-a-large-oblong-slash-similar-too-those-old-plastic-change-holders-around-his-genital-region and pulls it open. As he is opening this hole, he seems to grow a bit, a little taller and quite a bit larger. And then he lays down on this super-convenient table that happens to be in the middle of the sidewalk and says, "See? Jamie? Come here for a moment and show David your safeplace." And the little boy walks over and climbs into this hold inside of pseudo-Dustin and sits down--just as if he had a treehouse or cave in the ground. And the pseudo-Dustin just stands up and the hole closes and he shrinks down a bit, but now he just looks slightly chubby, as if he's gained 50 pounds or, you know, had a four or five year old climb inside him to sit down.
And then the friend says, "Oh. Well, that was really smart of you to have them do that. Is it very painful?"
And pseudo-Dustin says, "No. Not at all. And, it doesn't even take very long. And any day that Jamie goes in for several hours I don't have to have the doctors scrape."

The dream continues for awhile and at some point there is a giant neon-blue bomb-explosion thingy and everyone is all panicy and fake-Dustin opens up his hole again and Jamie climbs inside and pseudo-Dustin goes running around trying to help everyone around him and at some point he gets hurt and has to go to the hospital tent (which really just looks like a giant piece of blue tarp stretched over some metal poles in a valley of mud) and the doctors have Jamie climb back out (also another full-on-view shot of that) so they can fix pseudo-Dustin and when they've finished Jamie climbs right back inside.

But that's pretty much it. Like I said, never was it ominous or scary or even creepy. I've always heard that emotion was a major tell in what a dream is supposed to signify but there was no real emotion to it; I just watched this whole thing, when I woke up I just kept thinking how strange that it was.

***So, how many kinds of fucked-up am I?